I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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