i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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