I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
