If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's shark week go big or go home
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
