I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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