Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
