you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
