Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
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