its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
