did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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