we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
