3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
