I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
