hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
