we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
