mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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