Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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