Say something about gay babies.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
