It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
