I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
