I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
