i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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