hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Pants are for mortals
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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