You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize