I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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