I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
