mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
