umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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