hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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