i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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