It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
