So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
