I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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