Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
