I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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