Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
And then he peed in my hair
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