Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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