don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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