It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
