I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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