Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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