apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
