Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
