I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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