Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
