I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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