I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
