My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
