I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
