Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
