but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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