It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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