If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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