It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
