I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
