my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
